Oh so many places I could start...pregnancy, d-day, mommy-hood, postpartum, back to work blues. It seems impossible to catch up, so I won't. I'll just start right here, right now with the random thoughts in my head. Aren't you
I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. I stomped my way through breakfast, cursed the world when I sat down in my office chair & rolled my eyes at the dark, foggy morning...how fitting. "kinda in a funk?" John said to me while we were brushing our teeth. Hum..was it the scowl on my face or the tears in my eyes that gave it away?
The truth is I feel like I'm failing in every area of my life. That's exactly what I told him and then rambled on and on about how messy our house is, the 1,000 errands I just can't seem to make happen, the medical bills I keep forgetting to call the insurance company about, pictures I have yet to edit, the thank you cards yet to write, the clothes that I hate or don't fit & my not-so-hot passion for my job. Quietly and sweetly he said, "you are not failing him" and pointed to the 12 lb. tub of joy sleeping in his infant swing. And finished me off with, "and don't you think that's all that matters."
I've had today to think...and I've come to the realization that I put way too much pressure on myself. Did someone hit repeat or have I not been here before? I've convinced myself that this or that has to be in place in order for me to "function" which is a fancy pants way of saying "if I don't have my way--I'm pissed." It just happens that "my way" is a clean house with nicely folded laundry and a new pinterest recipe in the oven. I think that b/c those are not selfish tasks, but just normal ones that I can get mad when they don't happen. I'm learning--slowly and painfully, that I've got to change or I'm going to be miserable. So...after that cutie wakes up for his nap & I feed him, change him, probably get peed on then change both of our outfits, I'm going to take him outside for a walk on this beautiful day. I've got a load of laundry in the wash that has been there since 6am & therefore probably spoiled. I've got fruit flies that have invaded every room in my house. I have a wedding card to mail that is floating around in one of these rooms under piles of paper that have nap/feeding schedules written randomly on them. I'm staring at shelves that still haven't been hung in over a year & despite my efforts, baby equipment is spread out all over every room in my house (seriously there is a swaddler on our kitchen table). I'll get to it...eventually and I'll try ever so hard to be happy until I do.
-Lisa
