Oh so many places I could start...pregnancy, d-day, mommy-hood, postpartum, back to work blues. It seems impossible to catch up, so I won't. I'll just start right here, right now with the random thoughts in my head. Aren't you
I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. I stomped my way through breakfast, cursed the world when I sat down in my office chair & rolled my eyes at the dark, foggy morning...how fitting. "kinda in a funk?" John said to me while we were brushing our teeth. Hum..was it the scowl on my face or the tears in my eyes that gave it away?
The truth is I feel like I'm failing in every area of my life. That's exactly what I told him and then rambled on and on about how messy our house is, the 1,000 errands I just can't seem to make happen, the medical bills I keep forgetting to call the insurance company about, pictures I have yet to edit, the thank you cards yet to write, the clothes that I hate or don't fit & my not-so-hot passion for my job. Quietly and sweetly he said, "you are not failing him" and pointed to the 12 lb. tub of joy sleeping in his infant swing. And finished me off with, "and don't you think that's all that matters."
I've had today to think...and I've come to the realization that I put way too much pressure on myself. Did someone hit repeat or have I not been here before? I've convinced myself that this or that has to be in place in order for me to "function" which is a fancy pants way of saying "if I don't have my way--I'm pissed." It just happens that "my way" is a clean house with nicely folded laundry and a new pinterest recipe in the oven. I think that b/c those are not selfish tasks, but just normal ones that I can get mad when they don't happen. I'm learning--slowly and painfully, that I've got to change or I'm going to be miserable. So...after that cutie wakes up for his nap & I feed him, change him, probably get peed on then change both of our outfits, I'm going to take him outside for a walk on this beautiful day. I've got a load of laundry in the wash that has been there since 6am & therefore probably spoiled. I've got fruit flies that have invaded every room in my house. I have a wedding card to mail that is floating around in one of these rooms under piles of paper that have nap/feeding schedules written randomly on them. I'm staring at shelves that still haven't been hung in over a year & despite my efforts, baby equipment is spread out all over every room in my house (seriously there is a swaddler on our kitchen table). I'll get to it...eventually and I'll try ever so hard to be happy until I do.
-Lisa
4 comments:
you are learning all the right things....crappy as it is when you are in it ;-). If it makes you feel any better there is a drill on my kitchen counter, baby shoes on my work desk, a baby hat laying on the couch, 3 loads of laundry haunting me, 2 weddings to edit, 3 photoshoots to do, photography emails to send.....but there is a warm cup of coffee and a sweet baby sleeping in my video monitor. So I hear you loud and clear.....and I too am choosing to say "it is well". Love you friend! I have all too many mornings just like yours!
I need a John Turner in my life. ;)
Enjoyed this post. I frequently feel the same way...my Mom recently sent me a poem that says something about how "My doorknobs don't shine...but my children's eyes do..." Perspective is important - at least that's what I keep telling myself. :)
Lisa, I'm a month late reading this, but trust me, you're not alone. That sounds like the story of my life right now. I have to remind myself constantly that these moments I have with Jude are fleeting, and in the end it doens't matter if the laundry waits another day (or five) however hard that may be. I'm trying to enjoy each stage, but I have to continually remind myself what is important.
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