ok...I have debated about even posting this awful, depressing, downer post. If you are reading this, I guess I decided to. If you are in a great mood today, stop now..I may change that.
I have a tendency to lay in bed at night and focus on all the things I did not get done that day...or the day before. I zone in on that long "to do" list that has had things on it for months. This mental list also takes note of the things I need/want to change about myself or things I know I need to start doing. It's like a weight on my shoulders that is always there, but bearable most of the time.
It doesn't matter what is on the list...the point is that I beat myself up about it. The truth of the matter is I have from about 5pm-7pm to prepare dinner and work on stuff around the house & things on "that list." I slap myself on the hand for not prioritizing and getting more done. AND I don't even have kids yet so I may actually explode one day when I have even less time in the day.
It's not just that...it's deeper....its bigger. There are dreams...big goals that I want to accomplish and when I'm not working towards them I feel anxiety. I feel overwhelmed for not working on them...or not working fast enough. Then comes the worst part...I see someone ELSE reaching those goals and despair sets in. I see them doing what I want to be doing, but they are 10 steps ahead of me. A sense of urgency mixed with dread and defeat sets in. I want to give up.
There are days when the mental list of all my inadequacies seem to pile up..and it gets so heavy it effects my mood. I look in the mirror and I don't see the person I want to be. I feel like I'm failing in just about every category in my life. I could be better at this or that. I'm a horrible person for not being this way or that way. I should prioritize better. Listen, there are some days I'm so overwhelmed with happiness in my life that I could burst, but every now and then there is a solar eclipse and my world seems dark...
Today is just one of those days. It's a day that I should just stay away from people and any outlet like this blog b/c it may give you the wrong impression about me. On the other hand, I don't want you to think I don't have flaws or I don't see them in myself.
Sometimes I think we can be our own worst enemies. I'm definitely harder on myself than anyone. Why? I'm not really sure why we do this to ourselves. Most of you probably don't do it to the extent that I do, but we are all hard on ourselves. We all examine who we are inside and out with a magnifier. I wish I had the answers...I wish I could say what to do when you find yourself in a solar eclipse, but I don't. If I could stop myself, I would!
I know you are looking for a silver lining to end out this post. The fact is this post keeps getting longer and longer b/c I am also waiting for the closing message...the part that says despite it all everything will be ok. With that said, i will leave you with the one thing I do know. This feeling won't last forever. For some very odd reason just organizing my thoughts into this post has already started to help. Once it's out on paper (or virtual paper) then I can breath again. It's not mine to hold in and organize in my head anymore and the weight starts to become bearable again.
If you actually made it this far, let's pretend this post ever happened!
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6 comments:
You're going to hate me saying this... but... remember what Lockerman said Sunday. =)
oh yea... and... you'll get through this. =)
Lisa, I love ya.
Lisa,
I can totally relate! I am one of those people that worry about my worries, think about my thoughts, and get mental over my mind. Isn't that normal? =)
Seriously, don't over-think it. You are not alone. Hang in there lady...
God didn't create you as a mistake, friend! He knew what He was doing:-)It's a new year...Never too late to strive to be the person that you desire to be. Love you!
(Hope that wasn't too cheesy for you!)
As the old lady in the crowd... let me say from experience that I too was just like this... many years ago. When children came along it became so overwhelming that I couldnt cope and at that point I had to make a decision...for my sanity to accept whatever level of accomplishment I achieved and not stress over the rest. I saw that cheezy little poem that Im sure you've seen that says something like "work is never done but children grow up too fast and are gone, etc.." and that became my motto. I know you dont have kids in the mix yet but it really helped me to get my priorities in order. There are many things I wanted to accomplish in life but I have found that God's plan was better than what I planned and I somehow have landed right where he wants me to be (and that's a very different place than where I had planned.) Love you! and I am so proud of the amazing woman you have become. You are so accomplished in many many diverse areas!!
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