go with the flow....

I realized something about myself the other day while talking with my friend Mandy. I'm not the "go with the flow" type. I want to be...and honestly I thought I was! It's kinda hard to face the reality that I'm not.

Here is the deal....I can "go with the flow" on occasion for simple little things like changing dinner plans or spending my Saturday differently than I originally thought. John is good at sporadic things and I'll often give into them at the cost of responsible things...even as simple as cleaning up the kitchen the next day so we can spend the last hour of daylight going for a walk or driving around town. You get the picture...little things that don't really matter. Because I've given in to these little things has given me a false sense that I'm a "go with the flow" kinda gal. HA!

Going with the flow for my life long plans---no, nope, for get it, not going to happen. Yes, I trust the Lord & know he will always provide for me. I know that his plan and his ways are better than mine. I know that he will be faithful even when I am faithless. I know these truths, but what I don't really know is how to practice them in my life--daily. I can do it sometimes, off and on, but to honestly to not worry about my life, where I'll be in three years, what I'll be doing and where the money is coming from to do these things--that is something I'm having to learn over and over again. I want a plan! And, when I have a plan, I want it executed on my time. That, my friends, is not going with the flow!

John and I are at a constant state (or so it seems) of confusion about what to do with our lives--do we stay in MN and buy a house or do we move back to the south or move somewhere totally different or just stay exactly where we are? It's like a disease that flairs up at random times making us feel the pressure...then it subsides for awhile almost unnoticed. It's side effects are draining & very exhausting. I'm trying to learn how to turn this nagging desire to have a plan over to the Lord, but it's a difficult task. I'm trying to learn that God will provide...that I can go with the flow and be happy in the now without the disease squeezing the life out of me. I'm trying...trying....trying, but I keep failing. It's not in my DNA to give over control. :) When will I ever learn the Lord's timing is always the right timing and his plans are better than mine...when!
I guess it's one of those things that you just have to keep learning over and over again. As soon as the light bulb goes off in my head and I begin to really place my life in his hands...my burdens in his hands...it quickly turns off and I'm in the dark again...starting all over. Lord help me learn!

Some lessons are harder to learn than others & those lessons vary from person to person. I'm thankful for his patients as I continue to learn this very lesson again and again. I'm thankful that I am not responsible for the how. I'm responsible for obeying God and living in him...that is it. He will provide the how and the when...sadly regardless of my timing. Waiting on the Lord is not a bad thing...if we're not "waiting" for something, we're just passing the time....waiting means expecting! I'm expecting the Lord to do great things in my life & I suppose I'll be ok with them happening on his time & within his plan....but a little glimpse of that plan here and there never hurt anyone right!?

Isa. 30:18 "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait in him."