fear vs. peace

AHHH! Today has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Last week was my year anniversary at my job & to honest this year went by really fast. It was great to have my "review" and talk about the future of my career in the company....blah blah blah. John and I are happy here. We're finally starting to feel more comfortable in Rochester, making friends, enjoying church, going on trips. The problem is that I am terribly homesick. Not particularly homesick for a place...more for people. It comes in waves and lately the waves haven't come as often or as hard, but one hit me today....hard. I sat at my computer and cried....bawled I should say. The poor receptionist came in near the end of it & I felt awful for her. She slowly put the mail on my desk and backed away...prob. for the best. :)

More than anything I what the Lord wants for us. He knows best and wants the best. He would have to make it very clear, but if he wanted us to move to Africa then we would do it! :) I have no doubt in my mind that he wanted us here in MN....maybe not for one specific reason, but I could name a few little ones already. The problem is getting that direction from him....knowing what your next move is. It's so hard sometimes to feel out your fear...is it God's direction telling you that it's time to move on or is it just the opposite....him asking you to prevail, trust, move forward with where he has you. The only thing to decipher the two is prayer....and lots of it. I'm trying so hard to take my fears, feelings, doubts, emotions and turn them into sincere prayer. Prayer for direction and prayer for his will to be done.

The problem is being homesick is hard to remove from the equation. It's hard to not be bias when your heart aches for loved ones. I'm trying so hard to stop saying "well, if this or that happens then it's better to be here or there." I have to STOP & give over control. I have a tendency to over think things...map or plan them out. No matter what happens the Lord is with me...I know that, but sometimes I don’t' feel that way. Sometimes...scratch that...most of the time I'm convinced that if I think hard enough I'LL know what to do. If I give it enough thought, the right choice will be clear. At this moment in my life...that is not the case.

It's a million little things. Should we buy a house and stay here for at least 3 more years? If not, we're still forced to find another place to rent. Should we be looking for places to rent instead of houses to buy? Add that to he pressure of John passing his test next Tuesday (9/8) & a few other worries to the homesick mess and you've got me bawling at my computer praying no one walks in to see the mess.

So, with all that said. Please keep us in your prayers when you think about it. Pray that we can see through all the emotions to find God's will & that it will be clear to us. Also, to all of you that make my life so special....I miss you. I miss you so much and I wish I was closer or that I was a millionaire and could fly to see you every time I had a day like this. I'm sorry for being so far away & missing so many day to day parts of your lives. Who knows, maybe I'll be "home" sooner than later, but maybe not. I don't know at this point! That's where your prayer comes in! All I do know is that I'm thankful for you being in my life...no matter how far apart we are. I MISS YOU!